The Canvas of Infinity

People Skills... Bullshit!

2010-12-01T17:00:00.003+05:30

Of late I have started questioning my people skills. Very frankly, I think I suck at it. Big time! I am no good with people. I completely miss all the hints, cues, whatever the fuck they keep dropping. People wear masks all the fuckin' time. I mean, what's with this obsession of not coming clean. How freakin' dark and twisted are you actually?

You are the classic example of a hypocrite, of a double standard babbling baboon who can't see beyond her own tail. You are unhappy and walk through life with this burden, this burden of having to wear and change masks and I feel so sorry for you. I really do.

Now go and hump a duck.

2010-11-30T19:30:00.003+05:30

Hope is the Thing with Feathers

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all.

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land

And on the strangest Sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of Me

-Emily dickens

Hope is the Thing with Feathers

2010-11-30T19:30:00.002+05:30

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all.

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land

And on the strangest Sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of Me

-Emily dickens

Chubby

2010-07-07T02:12:00.003+05:30

So, i have a new friend. His name's Chubby. He is white and furry. He is also very soft. He has a snout. He wears a yellow bow tie. I like him and i am sure he loves me too.

Long time back, in school, we wrote essays like that. I think we were smarter then. Non-voluminous texts with ornamental words...all that pain to say some thing as simple as 'I love the rains/ my teddy bear/ I don't like this movie/......'

Phew! What has education done to us... tch tch tch.

Trickster

2010-04-30T23:57:00.003+05:30

If i could map the way my brain makes choices (some of them) it would be one really zig zag looking, confusing, inconsistent map...but (and if i could take coloured print outs) a colourful one :D

My brain tricks me. Bloody trickster!

dated: 30.03.2010

2010-03-30T13:27:00.002+05:30

God! it's been a while. But now i have my own machine so i guess i'll be able to write more often and as and when i want to.

So i was in Delhi for a week. Catching up with some old friends and one in specific who had come back after a year of from Toronto. I was super kicked about this trip...till i finally reached Delhi. We shall abstain from elaborating any further.

Then i went to Hyd, had to get some certificates from the old university. And man! how those guys test your patienc! Freaking freaks!

Now i am back in Mumbai and have found my peace. Ooooooomm.

Memory Lane

2009-08-22T01:47:00.002+05:30

Was in Calcutta some time back. I usually make it a point to stop in the city for a day or two before heading to Jamshedpur. Whether it's the smell of fresh fish in the Howrah station or the over crowded market places...every thing about Cal makes me very fondly nostalgic. It evokes this warm gooey feeling some where deep within. Oh! what wouldn't i give to live those days again, just one more time, just one bloody time.

Here's to the best days of my life...

Do yo have to let it linger...

2009-01-30T20:25:00.004+05:30

You know i am such a fool for you...
you got me wrapped around you finger ah ha ha...)
Do you have to have to let it linger.Do yo have to...do you have to. Do you have to let it linger.

I have been singing that song and listening to it day... The first and the last line just do it for me.

Phew! taxing! very taxing! this whole thinking business...

Some times i wish i knew myself better. Other times, i think i do and that i only make it sound like i don't. Basically i am confused and the confusion is the thickest just before the moment of clarity. And (yes i know, i like 'and' as the first word in the sentence.plus it's my blog so...) when that dawns i am not confused, now i ambbugged coz i don't seem to have enough control over things that are happening with me, withing me. I kinda dislike that bit.

Shit! did i just write that bit of unfathomable crap!

Blood Curdling

2008-11-27T23:45:00.002+05:30

Do we care whether it was a media hype, an attack initiated by random terrorists or some thing else?
People and hundreds have lost their lives and for no reason.
It's no more the 'country', not any more...it's the 'individual'... its you and i ... anyone...everyone.

The target is the individual's psyche, the will to walk about freely, the freedom of movement. And accept it...from the safety of our houses and offices we might not be able to sense it but for those who have witnessed it... it's changing. The idea of freedom is getting eroded.

I want to feel optimistic and say 'tomorrow will be a new day' but i am not sure. May be it's better to be a li'l scared, a li'l guarded, alert, holed up.

2008-06-26T19:51:00.000+05:30

I think couples are the worst kinds to hang out with... they are coochie cooey, and sticky and tonguey and sappy and...well..ahem!... at least some of them are.
Of late i experienced the ills of hanging out with one such couple. Now, they are nice people ( let me make that clear) and great human beings. Intelligent, and generous and caring and smart...except when you meet them together. Now, this beats me. I just don't seem to get this.
It became increasingly unbearable to spend more than a couple of minutes with them. I kept thinking of ways of saying bubuye (actually, come to think of it now, i don't think they would have even noticed had i just left). It was more like i was meeting them and they...they were well, pretty much there but not really there.
It's not particularly aesthetic to watch people at a distance of 15cm, coochie cooing. Not really. it is actually boring. It is just the kind of thing that makes you think to yourself- " Man! you guys need a room and i need to find some thing more interesting to do." Coz, i didn't come all this way, in a fucking bumpy autorickshaw to watch you guys make out. no i didn't.

in the memory of all those poor SOBs who died a zillion deaths in the name of spending time with a couple. sigh!

topsy turvy

2008-03-27T17:58:00.000+05:30

The lack of purpose and the knowledge of 'what not to do' is a complicated, kinda weird situation to be in. I mean you have kinda decided what you don't want and thereby limited your options and now you don't know what to pick from the available sample...

With time i am getting more and more aimless, lost, puzzled... Wheni was a kid i knew what i wanted to be.. till the 3rd grade a nun, then a doctor, then a model, then a teacher, then a painter, then an actor, then... i mean it changed quite a bit but i always knew. at any given point of time I knew what i wanted.

Wasn't education supposed to be that light that clears your head and makes you see things even more clearly... Wasn't it meant to be sopmething thta gets you to the end of the tunnel????

the 'good', the 'bad' and the 'Real'

2007-03-03T01:22:00.000+05:30

The Good and the Bad... The normal and the abnormal... The'in' and the 'out'...
It's an eye wash...never absolute...never sacrosanct.
There really isn't a way to define the difference.. to say, categorically, what the list entails.
Therefore, i think i will stick to the 'Genuine'/ 'Real'... Its easy to identify and therefore, easily understood. Fewer complications and no ambiguity. It can be taken at face value and very li'l analysis goes behind wondering what is it that it is made up of.
The 'Good' and the 'Bad' are way too complicated. Complication is scary. Complication is not needed. Complication is not desirable. Compliaction is unnecessary.
So the 'Genuine'/ 'Real' is all that i seek.
Rest in Peace!

Illusion

2006-11-13T13:38:00.000+05:30

Whats this noise about Veg Biryani!
I mean...really??
Awww...Come on!
Get over it! It's an illusion, a figment of your imagination...
It's a mirage...you imagine it's there when it actually isn't.

One big gobi and one big tomato and you call it "Veg Biryani"...
hee hee hee hee.....whhooh ho hoho hoho hoho....ha ha ha ha.

Its not easy....

2006-08-31T21:13:00.000+05:30

The more they lean on me for support and assurance...the more weak i grow...the more hollow i feel, like a reed...
God! i need strength.

...Ramblings

2006-08-20T00:56:00.000+05:30

Have felt wanted, loved, needed...in the last few days.
But somewhere the dissatisfaction never misses my eye. i wish i could ignore it.
I want them to be happy. A huge part o f my life revolves around them...and sometimes it hurts, sometimes it pisses me off...other times, i wonder what else, what more??
It's a constant struggle with the person that i am, the 'i', the 'me'. I dont know if i want to change this person completely... will i not then become someone else?? And i want to be loved for what i am (with the imperfections, differences, weird value systems, oddities, unfinished parts). Coz that's 'me', that is what i am.
The whole 'trying ot fit in' funda doesnt work with me. i thnk it
s a farce, a joke, a lie...

It's nice to keep going back and i want to stay for some time... am a li'l tired of running. I want to sit in the living room, have coffee with them, watch the television, sit arnd the dining table...like we used to,... till i grew up, till i had a mind of my own, till i questioned, differed, varied...

So, is it the frame they have, that they love? or is it, actually, me? I dont wanna know the answer. ..

...weird mind at work

2006-08-11T23:08:00.000+05:30

At times, i feel like its all there, crystal clear, right in front of my eyes....
The next moment, it seems bleak, hazy, light years away...
The moment after that, i think i am thinking a li'l too much, trying to hard to see deeper into things...more than i am requred to, like i should just let it be and patiently take things as they come...
And then....well... (exactly this...i dont know what next)

2006-08-05T03:42:00.000+05:30

...And then there was you.
You were there throughout.

You were there when i wanted to talk,
To crib, complain, evade
To notice every move

You were there to read the unspoken thoughts
To read between the lines
To wait,
To give it the time it needed

You were there to help me clean the mess, my mess
To patiently listen
To just let me know 'i am there'

You were there to walk with me on many a different roads....

I have enjoyed your company
Playing in the sun
Walking in the rain
Sitting on the grass
Watching the sun rise
Staring at the stars
Arguing
Crying over silly nothings
Laughing, till my tummy hurt.

...To all the crazy moments that we have shared, lived and will have...

2006-07-29T06:14:00.000+05:30

"Assholes Are Not Born, They Are Made."

2006-07-22T03:50:00.000+05:30

If you dont know something, how would you know what it's like to feel that 'something'...
You wouldn't??....you would??...eh?..ahh...

2006-07-12T06:24:00.000+05:30

.....Lived lives in one moment
Saw dreams in a wink.....
Thats how eventful life was in the last few days.
ahh..eh...Thanks!

Am wearing my thinking cap:

2006-06-28T14:55:00.000+05:30

Was thinking last night, between trying ot work and chatting with Akanksha. We got talking yesterday... (one of those times when you suddenly find time and the inclination to talk about something beyond work, call monitoring, targets, feedback, training sessions, KRAs. When you realize that a light hearted hearted conversation harms no one, it is rejuvenating in a comforting kinda way. It helps you to get away from the maddening crowd and the general frenzy at work).

Why do we have the fear of losing something/someone dear, close to us. I have seen it, read about it, heard about it and felt it (i know of someone who claims to be untouched by this feeling and i kinda envy him. tho' at times i wonder if its possible to not feel it at all...i mean, at all?).
Anyways... now to the question at hand....
Is it because all thats dear to us, we want it to stay...forever and because forever seems like a distant, a hazy concept, there is this fear of losing? I havent been able to provide a logical explanation. This is one of those times when i want to rationalise it.... I dont know if i am getting anywhere...

Was wondering...

2006-06-24T17:46:00.000+05:30

Has there ever been a time in your life when you felt like there is nothing more you could ask for, nothing else you desire and if you were to die now, this moment, there would be no regrets, no unfulfilled dream, no incomplete wish...

HAIKU ---An Attempt :P

2006-06-19T20:39:00.000+05:30

Time:

More i clench my fist

More it slips through my fingers

Slowly, steadily

Love:

More I suppress it

More incessantly it flows

The secret unfolds

frozen moment

2006-06-01T22:39:00.000+05:30

As i prepare to say bye
Hold me close...
Hold me this one time..
Like you will never let me go.
Let me feel the warmth
the touch...
your breath on my neck.

Hold me tight..
Kiss away the choked tears...
Love me...
Love me this one time...
Love me like there is no tomorrow.

And let me wish...
Send a prayer to a distant god
And hope against hope
That this moment freezes...

But for Her Eyes...

2006-05-06T20:32:00.000+05:30

...But for her eyes i wouldnt have stopped. I had made up my mind to take her with me to where she should be.. to give her what she deserves. The girl had brought it upon herself. This was her destiny. Even the gods cant change this.
But those eyes. Moist, piercingly deep and...and...strangely peaceful. I stared at them...tried hard to look for some kind of fear, anger, resistance...something but only in vain.
They held me in thrall for what seemed like eternity.
I had crosses the seven seas to come here but now my legs refused to move an inch to walk this distance of seven steps between us. No words escaped my lips. The motive...the purpose behind my journey which had been so compelling, so strong, suddenly seemed to have evaporated.
One look into those eyes...and i felt weak in my knees...my being felt small...my purpose, defeated and all those forces which had driven me to come here, weak.
I shook myself to look away...to turn and leave.

...Am Just a Bird in the Sky....

2006-04-29T19:30:00.000+05:30

Its been a while. It used to be easy once...to pour it all out... Let me try once more.

I seem to have grown...as a person...over a period of some months. So many things which seemed so huge, seem trivial now.
I feel like i have come a long way...and man what a tiresome journey. But at the end of it all....i have a smile on my face, fewer regrets and peace that i had almost become alien to.
From then to now...
I still dunno what it is. It is differrent...coz it has made me discover things about myself that i didnt know existed... I have found things which are new and am so glad i found them. It has made me view myself from a distance...
It has made me alter things...and made me grow in a way that i like...that i think is beautiful. I feel more open to new things...more flexible... and flexibility and openness can only lead to growth...of the mind...the soul..the whole of you.

Una paloma blanca
I am just a bird in the sky...
Una paloma blanca
Over the mountains i fly
Yes, no one can take my freedom away
Yes, no one can take my freedom away...

There is no looking back :)

Something that made me stop and think...

2006-03-23T17:39:00.000+05:30

"All love is expansion, all selfishness is contraction. Love is therefore the only law of life. He who loves lives, he who is selfish is dying. Therefore love for love's sake, because it is law of life, just as you breathe to live.
- Swami Vivekananda

The Song Of The Free

The wounded snake its hood unfurls,
The flame stirred up doth blaze,
The desert air resounds the calls
Of heart-struck lion's rage.

The cloud puts forth it deluge strength
When lightning cleaves its breast,
When the soul is stirred to its in most depth
Great ones unfold their best.

Let eyes grow dim and heart grow faint,
And friendship fail and love betray,
Let Fate its hundred horrors send,
And clotted darkness block the way.

All nature wear one angry frown,
To crush you out - still know, my soul,
You are Divine. March on and on,
Nor right nor left but to the goal.

Nor angel I, nor man, nor brute,
Nor body, mind, nor he nor she,
The books do stop in wonder mute
To tell my nature; I am He.

Before the sun, the moon, the earth,
Before the stars or comets free,
Before e'en time has had its birth,
I was, I am, and I will be.

The beauteous earth, the glorious sun,
The calm sweet moon, the spangled sky,
Causation's law do make them run;
They live in bonds, in bonds they die.

And mind its mantle dreamy net
Cast o'er them all and holds them fast.
In warp and woof of thought are set,
Earth, hells, and heavens, or worst or best.

Know these are but the outer crust -
All space and time, all effect, cause.
I am beyond all sense, all thoughts,
The witness of the universe.

Not two nor many, 'tis but one,
And thus in me all me's I have;
I cannot hate, I cannot shun
Myself from me, I can but love.

From dreams awake, from bonds be free,
Be not afraid. This mystery,
My shadow, cannot frighten me,
Know once for all that I am He.

- Swami Vivekananda

Peace

Behold, it comes in might,
The power that is not power,
The light that is in darkness,
The shade in dazzling light.

It is joy that never spoke,
And grief unfelt, profound,
Immortal life unlived,
Eternal death unmourned.

It is not joy nor sorrow,
But that which is between,
It is not night nor morrow,
But that which joins them in.

It is sweet rest in music;
And pause in sacred art;
The silence between speaking;
Between two fits of passion --
It is the calm of heart.

It is beauty never seen,
And love that stands alone,
It is song that lives un-sung,
And knowledge never known.

It is death between two lives,
And lull between two storms,
The void whence rose creation,
And that where it returns.

To it the tear-drop goes,
To spread the smiling form
It is the Goal of Life,
And Peace -- its only home!

From a letter to Miss MacLeod, 26th December 1900Composed at Ridgely Manor, New York, 1899. - Swami Vivekananda

Light

I look behind and after
And find that all is right,
In my deepest sorrows
There is a soul of light.

- Swami Vivekananda

To An Early Violet

What though thy bed be frozen earth,
Thy cloak the chilling blast;
What though no mate to clear thy path,
Thy sky with gloom o'ercast --
What though of love itself doth fail,
Thy fragrance strewed in vain;
What though if bad o'er good prevail,
And vice o'er virtue reign --
Change not thy nature, gentle bloom,
Thou violet, sweet and pure,
But ever pour thy sweet perfume
Unasked, unstinted, sure !

- Swami Vivekananda
Written to Sister Christine from New York on 6th January 1896. Violet is the spring flower of the West. But when it blooms in late winter, ie before the advent of spring, it has to fight against the cold blast. The poem is meant to give encouragement to the disciple to stand up to adverse circumstances.

(taken from: http://www.poetseers.org/the_poetseers/vivekananda/vivekanandas_poetry)

* * * * * * * *

2006-03-13T19:59:00.000+05:30

Long time since i posted something... Meanwhile, quite a bit has happened...
I touched the shores of the Happy Isles...and am back. It's like a dream one doesnot want to stop dreaming.
Am back, feeling beautiful...fulfilled...and at peace.

"Contentment and peace
Rest and solace
Days of satisfaction
A smile on my face..."

How does one sum up Life?

2006-01-25T22:52:00.000+05:30

...As i walk on the beach
Thinking about...well...nothing...
Watching people leave the sand shore,
The crimson sky.
And...the vast sea
In all its glory and beauty.

Such is life....
Vast, incomprehensible and mysterious.
Each day has a mystery
Waiting to be told.

And you and me are called
To go ahead and discover what
Life has to tell us...
What all it has to give to us...
What it shall take away...

So how does one sum up life?
How does one sum up existence?

In terms of the number of years?
In terms of people?
In terms of heart breaking experiences?
In terms of fun filled days?
In terms of the silent moments
Spent with that one person we love the most?
In terms of the time we spent feeling dissatisfied?
In terms of the days we felt satiated...
(Like there was nothing more we could ask for)?

In terms of the tears we shed?
In terms of the smiles we shared?
In terms of the hatred we bred?
In terms of the love we felt?

In terms of the months of spring and warm sunshine?
Or when thunder and storm came crashing against our hopes?

How does one sum up life?
...or Can one sum up life?

2006-01-25T22:40:00.000+05:30

Am a certified Voice and Accent Trainer. Yipppppppppppeeeeeeeeee!!
Feels nice.

2006-01-11T15:18:00.000+05:30

I wonder why is it that this time it is so different...from what it has been in the past??

Peace...

2006-01-08T13:55:00.000+05:30

After living through all those nutcracking moments, times of incessant questioning, questions to which i never found answers..rather, didn't want to find an answer, after indulging in skepticism, feeling scared...it struck me, finally.
I though i would go on like this...on this strange path without knowing where it leads to. But how long can one not face herself...how long can you close your eyes and hope that no one's seeing you...how long can you run away from answers which are there but you dont want to acknowledge them...how long can you not keep yourself away from that which is the very basis of human existence...
I tried.. I thought i could go on like this...but it became difficult..
and the more i thought about it the more evident it became...so i tried not thinking about it. The harder i tried not to think about it...the more it stayed on my mind..persistently.So i tried to just become immune to it..to ignore it..tried telling myself how it will never work out...(how there were too many differences..). But the more i tried telling myself, the more my system refused to believe in something that was so drastically different from my core belief system (that differences never give rise to deadends/clashes...its when you fail to respect these differences that you end up in shit..thatts when things end) and from reality.
And finally, like he said...'someone broke that spell'.
Here i was...reality struck me hard..it was right there in front of me...
And now when i think about it...i am glad the spell was broken... Coz what lay on the other side brought something that i missed so much...That very rare, settling feeling...of peace...of reassurance... Sometimes the sky doesn't fall..the earth doesnt complete a spin in a second, no butterflies flutter in your tummy...
But you feel the caressing warmth of the sun, hear the sonorous sound of the beckoning sea, watch the breathtaking sight of the sun setting in the crimson sky and the birds flying back..back to the shelter of their homes...

2005-12-23T16:25:00.000+05:30

Ever stopped for a while and wondered what is happening?
Ever been hesitant to admit things to yourself?
Ever felt like not pronouncing things out because you don't want to hear them?
Because you are scared?... Scared that if you confess it will hurt you?... It might not even materialize the way you would want it to
Ever felt like living in a world where these questions don't keep cropping up?

I did...

2005-12-13T21:15:00.000+05:30

Its my second day of training today...
Hmm...its ok...its goin fine..
But i still havent started liking delhi. There is osmething very mechanical about the way i am going through life everyday. Something that i dont enjoy doing.
But am hoping things will get better...that i will get better....

Down in the cafetaria for dinner now... These guys are nice people.

I hope i start enjoying my work here soon...

Thats all for today...gotta rush for dinner.

2005-12-07T18:11:00.000+05:30

New city, new people...
But am still there, where i was some days back...
Within me, thunderstorms
Without, the silence of a tomb.
I dunno if i'll ever be able to let go of what has gone by (or has it?)
Rather, will it ever let go of me...
Will it just let me be...
I dot want this chalice of pain...
Take it away...

Trance...

2005-11-27T13:13:00.000+05:30

What awaits me...??
The said and the unsaid...
The evident and the hidden....
The visible and the unseen
The roads i still have to tread upon...
The dreams that are still to be dreamt...
The shores i still have to touch...
The life i still have to live..

Nipping it at the Bud!

2005-11-09T02:06:00.000+05:30

Ok Blog, i think i will just go ahead and type it all out today. I feel too burdened.

It has been quite a journey...last few months. I feel like i have lived a huge portion of my life already.
Have been thru the rough patches...and they were bloody rough, you know. I never thought i would make it..but i think i am reaching the end of the tunnel. I can smell fresh air and feel the warmth of the sunlight...
But its taken me so much to travel this distance... Countless sleepless nights, buckets of tears, loads of thinking till my brain refused to take the beating, the emotional thrashing i put myself thru... Felt bruised, beaten...

I dunno how to put this across better... I am not too sure if i have healed and have put the past behind me. I dunno if i'll ever be able to do so. It still hurts (maybe)..but it doesnt bleed anymore... maybe there's some amount of coagulation. Am drawing a gory picture...but..well, its my blog and i can do and write what i want to.
Now am not always sad. I have nice times...i have fun.
I dunno what this means. Does it mean am over it, finally? Does it mean am about to get fine?
And another small confession (a lot of people get to read this but its ok...). I think am kinda stopping myself from feeling again...for someone... coz am scared. Will i ever get out of this bullshit?

I torture myself with so many questions these days..that at this rate i'll batter myself emotionally/mentally before i can even begin to feel for someone (am doin it now too)...Questions like..'Are you sure?' , 'Maybe its a fling?' , 'Another relationship?' , 'Aren't you being hasty?', 'Oh no! not again?' , 'Are you just plain dumb to think in this direction all over again and this soon?', 'No! No!!'...
And there...that shit goes on in my mind and i dont stop.
And am scared that when and if i fall in love i'll put myself through this shit... never really confess that am in love (and if the man is the kinds to stay shut...and that probability is very close to one)... There...that will be end of a prospective relationship... Nipping it at the bud!!

2005-11-09T01:59:00.000+05:30

Is it possible to feel disgust and love for the same person ??
Coz i think thats what am feeling now...Disgusted! Disgusted to my bones...to my stomach...
What the F#$%?? Are you just plain dumb or do you try harder with me around? In either case the point thrown across is the same...
Shit, you disgust me today...and so bloody much that i think i can feel anger too.
Love, Disgust and to top it all off...Anger!!
WOW!!
Life is just perfect now!!

2005-11-08T01:43:00.000+05:30

"Kisi ko bhi mukammil jahan nahin milta.
Kahin zameen nahin milti...toh kahin aasman nahin milta"

Sad...but true!

Just Another Day

2005-11-07T21:16:00.000+05:30

...So things have finally started working out for me...on the career fornt. Atleast that's what it looks like. Am feeling...hmm...happy?? I guess so...dunno. Somehow that word has too many things involved...and i am not too sure if all is well in my life.
I kinda dislike the way i get affected so easily, so goddamn easily by the not so nice things in life.
Will be leavin for Mumbai in some days... Do they sell peace of mind there. I'd like to have some...

Life does funny things!!

2005-11-07T00:11:00.000+05:30

Life does funny things sometimes.
You keep running after something you never seem to get...And just when you are too hurt, too tired to go on chasing it, just when you stop wanting not because you don't want it but because the (hitherto) terrible urge in you has burnt itself out to a strange sense of numbness...there it is! right in front of you.
You look at it and say...'this is what i always wanted...and now here it is...'
But something has changed...Now you wonder if you really want it as bad as you did sometime back...
The surety of what you wanted then is now in question...
What do you call something like this?? Divine Interference (amazing timing tho')??

2005-10-12T12:29:00.000+05:30

*&^%$$%-
My state of mind these days...

"A tomorrow..."

2005-09-23T02:56:00.000+05:30

Waiting for the sun to shine tomorrow
And free me from the clutches of darkness...
To help my eyes see the bright morning of life...
To bask in its warmth ...
To feel the dampness of the dew drops...
To hear the sweet sounds of the cuckoo bird...

And above me the vast sky...
Reminding of what still lies before me...
What still has to be explored...
The path that is waiting for me to tread upon it...
The dreams that are waiting to be dreamt again...
The life that is waiting to be lived again...

So patience my soul!
Wait!...
Just a little more...
A little more of this darkness...
A little more of this pain...
Just a little more...has to be borne
Dawn's at hand
And soon this will be but a thing of the past...

But will tomorrow
Heal the scars that the night has bestowed?
Will they disappear ?
Or will the sands of time, that cover these scars,
Expose them naked
When the ruthless winds of life
Sweep the helpless earth?

"Nothingness..."

2005-09-22T00:11:00.000+05:30

A state of blankness...numbness
Prevails within...
Like the silence after a devastating storm...
Like the quiet sunset after the clanging of mighty swords...
Like the still air after the last scream...

Yes, the storm has passed by...
And i have survived...
But something within me
Has withered away...
Has been eroded...
Has chipped off...slowly...painstakingly
Has died...

Now there is no feeling...no sensation...
Does it hurt?...
I don't feel pain anymore...(is it?)
It has merged into me...
Has become a part of me...
No visible physical manifestations exist...(probably)

I lie bare...staring into the nothingness before me
Which fills every nook and corner of my existence...every crevice...
Painting everything in the same hue...

Will my heart ever beat with life again?
Will someone ever break this deafening silence?
Will the barren land ever see flowers blooming?
Will i ever be shaken back to life?
Will i Live again?

Am not seeking answers...
I just want to hope that they exist...
Somewhere...with someone...

2005-09-21T03:07:00.000+05:30

This is a weird feeling... Can't define it really...
Actually maybe am scared to. I dunno... just too bloody confused (is that the right word?).
Right now i just wanna get sleep which, seems like, is standing some miles and miles away...

Nice Time!

2005-09-19T15:15:00.000+05:30

I had a nice time y'day after very very long. The change was pleasant and welcomed.
A good friend was down here. Spent the entire day loitering, talking like mad (those have been the longest conversations we have ever had face to face) and our longest meeting till date (did you realize it?? We have never spent so much of time together, na?) eating, talking and more talking.
Spoke about almost everything under the sky...from lousy bollywood songs to Douglas Adams (i kinda like the guy after i heard so much from you. He sounds like a weirdo from another planet. but Cute! ), from booze to the overall (economical, industrial, finanacial, etc etc) of jamshedpur, from girls, guys, relationships, behavioural patterns of humans in weird hypothetical situations to the sad coffee at CCD and mouth watering pizzas at Pizza Hut... and the list goes on....
Ahh! was nice. I felt nice after a long time.

2005-09-15T02:20:00.000+05:30

"Don't try too hard..Some of the best things happen when you least expect them to."

---Who said so? Hmm..well right now..i did. So we shall leave it at that.

2005-09-14T03:52:00.001+05:30

Well there is a statement i want to make... "Boozing is the worst thing i could put myself through."
I fail to understand how such a shitty practice can be fun.
I felt like a mad dog approaching its death... It made me puke my intestines out, made me feel beaten up and bruised inside, left my head splitting with a horrible headache..and a bad taste in the mouth.
Yesterday was one of those very very few times i boozed and hated it...and it was definitely my last time. Yeeeeekkkkkks!!! The memory too makes me feel sick in the tummy, literally!!

2005-09-09T11:26:00.000+05:30

I think i am getting repetitive about the kind of stuff am posting these days...
Its like saying the same things in 153 different ways... The very spirit, meaning, essence of it being the same...
But it's beyond my control... I can't helpit if life doesn't decide to go for a change...
I think God lacks creativity...
Dude...think of something new!

Scary...

2005-09-08T01:50:00.000+05:30

Am scared!! very scared.
No its no ghost, or approaching examinations. Its just you. Am scared of you... Am scared to start a conversation...leave alone meeting you.
My head starts spinning with fright when our conversation lasts for more than 3 mins... And at other times i just die to hear ur voice...to catch one glimpse of you.
I feel like i have died a million deaths last few weeks... and now it has just left me feeling scared...nervous...jittery...
What a bloody wreck!!
I so begin to (almost) hate myself... The feeling haunts me and i reach very close to that, i-feel-like-jumping off-a-cliff, feeling...
Am scared of what tomorrow might hold...what you might say next...what decison you might suddenly take...
Just everything... Just writing about this makes me feel sick in my tummy, light in my head, weak in my knees...
You scare me...!!

"Its Raining..."

2005-09-07T18:28:00.000+05:30

Nature is flourishing...
Greenery all around me
The trees pregnant with fruits
Abundance all around i see

Within me...
A lull reigns...
Its silence is deafening
The air has a tinge of thunder and rain

The harbinger of warmth and light
Shines through the trees and fills the earth...
Its womb...where so much of abundance lies hidden
Waiting to be born..to bloom...to cover the dearth...

Within me...
Thunder and rain...
Come crashing against my hopes
And fill me with an inexplicable pain

The blanket of darkness envelops the earth
It hushes down all noise.
Even in this silence abundance creeps in..
And covers every corner and crevice.

But within me it's raining
It's raining heavily...
Evry inch feels battered
Every cell ruptured brutally...

2005-09-07T03:41:00.000+05:30

'Sleep' has become an alien concept and 'headaches' are my next door neighbours...
Am tired...tired of running, of just everything, everyone...
I wanna sleep...in peace...for some time.

All you engineers...Can't you guys come up with a 'Selective Memory Eraser' chip.
Come on, you guys!! What are you doing? Put your knowledge to some good use...for the good of humanity...

Ok...am rambling, rattling off...which is a sign that i shud stop right here...for the good of humanity (oh the philanthropist in me has risen to life) and for myself...

goodnight!

2005-09-04T00:34:00.000+05:30

"When i look back at life i notice patterns in everything that has happened.
I have suddenly become all the more aware of it.

There are patterns in all that happens. Nature keeps dropping signs...God does it. I am beginning to recognize these signs and the message they impart.
Sometimes we are too busy too involved to notice these signs... But they are there all the time. If we notice closely we will see that our lives follow patterns. That nothing happens without a reason.

Just when my rope of faith and patience is about to give way someting strange zaps me back to reality and puts my feet back on the ground. And i feel so much stronger...full of hope...hope of a better tomorrow.
It makes me want to go ahead and fight. It says- 'Don't give up, not this easily...not yet...'

So when we truly want something, no matter how difficult it sounds, no matter how tough life makes it for us, no matter if the forces seem against us...it will still happen...if we hang in there till the very end...
Time, life...everything will have to bow. Such is the power of the heart and mind of a human being. This is what makes us closest to divinity.

I am a believer. I believe in dreams, in miracles, in people, in love...

I hear the lines from the Alchemist loud and clear -'When you truly truly want something, the entire conspires to make it happen.'
How far one is willing to go, the extra miles that one is ready to travel, how long one decides to hang in there are all directlly related to how badly one wants it, how much one values it. And
how easily one gives up, how effortlessly one stops mid way...are inversely proportional...

So, my darling, am going to go ahead and dream a little more, hope a little more, believe a little more, love a little more...just a little more...just till three days after forever..."

2005-09-03T13:42:00.000+05:30

All of those times you have side tracked me, when you have pierced my heart with your words, for throwing daggers at me, for treating me like shit... am only going to love you little more, a little longer...

2005-08-31T21:41:00.000+05:30

The same old feeling is bak. Actually when did it go, it was always there...At every hour, every time of the day and the nights...they are worse... I feel haunted...

2005-08-28T19:41:00.000+05:30

There are too many mediocre things in our lives.
Love should never be one of them...

2005-07-18T18:32:00.000+05:30

"...Hum jise gunguna nahin sakte
Waqt ne aisa geet kyun gaaya..."

Lines from one of my fav songs...
Hmm...
Well...
Its been 19 days...since...
And i really wonder what is it that is different now? Actually nothing... Its the same feeling...

Some things in life actually never change...
For example this thing...

My rambling on this site of late hardly make any sense i know...but remember thats why they are referred to as 'ramblings'...They don't have to make sense... :)

Thoughts, Reflection, Conviction

2005-07-17T07:28:00.000+05:30

"Its a bright Sunday morning here...
And its weird...but i feel ...hmm...what should i call it...
Nice..ya...thats the word which almost expalins this feeling...
Am not too sure tho'

About a year back when things went wrong in my life...
I never told myself that i wil not fall in love..
I never lost faith...

But last few days i have doubted and questioned everything my life rests on..
My faith...my belief system...
But above all...myself...
I have questioned myself...
And i migh not find answers
To a lot of things that are happening in my life today

I don't think i will ever come to terms with them either...
I will just get used to it...maybe...

If i have ever done one good deed...
If there has been even one sincere prayer i have said...
If there has been one single moment of truth in the months that have gone by...
Then my today will change...

Coz i believe in what the Alchemist says:
'When you truly want soemthing, the entire universe conspires to make it happen'
And i know i have wnated it truly and badly enough...

But now let me sit back
And admire this day which lies before me..."

"I Hurt..."

2005-07-16T00:53:00.000+05:30

"I feel a biting pain within...
It engulfs every inch of me...
And it stings like mad...

But then i feel numb...
Tears have dried up...
And somewhere within..so have i...
Something within me is withering...dying away...
Slowly...inch by inch...moment by moment...
I hurt..."

15th day...

2005-07-14T05:44:00.000+05:30

What are you giving up all this for?
For time? for some 5-6 years of your life...
Oh!...Is that all this is worth...?
Is that all I am worth...

"Be Practical", you say...
The only existing and the biggest practical reality i know is love...
Rest is an illusion...

You have made up your mind...and i have made up mine...
And i am not going to live a broken...dilapidated life on compromises...on broken... undreamt dreams
I will not live an average life...i haven't...
I'll live it to the fullest...

Ya ya...you go ahead and call me a dreamer...
If my world is an illusion...is impractical...idealistic...unreal...
So be it...
Am happy...and at peace...
Coz am living each moment of it...
Am "living"...not merely existing...

But i wish you could see all i can...
I wish you knew that what we share
Is too precious and beautiful
To be sacrificed on the altar of religion...time...people...
I'd rather try and lose than never have tried at all
I'd rather live each moment with you
So that when we part i know we gave it our best...our all..
Than give up on you ...only to realize some years later that something could have worked out...

I wish you knew that nothing is final till it is final...
That you believed in miracles...in wonders...in God
Coz if you did you would have seen what i see today...

"...I Discovered This Now..."

2005-07-07T02:02:00.000+05:30

"...There are, probably, two kinds of people God made...
One- the kinds like you...
They are the lucky ones...
They have someone to love them
Consistently...persistently...unconditionally...till it hurts...

Two- the Givers...
Dunno whether its their privelge...
But i guess it is...
Tho' this privelege come with a huge cost attached to it..
Some broken dreams...some sleepless nights...some bundles of tears...and such other things...

I think i belong to the second group...
But I really wonder
What it would be like to be on your side of the world?..
And i think i would give up anything
To just exchange places with you for one moment of my life..."

Torn..

2005-07-07T01:47:00.000+05:30

"Faith, belief, conviction...
Last few days i have doubted everything that my life rests on..
I have questioned myself, God...

A confused bundle of emotions fills my head...
I dunno what to think...
My very belief system seems to have been shaken up so badly...

I don't find peace within and without...
Feel like am amidst constant turmoil, tumult...
And am craving for just one moment of repose...

But who do i turn to??
Coz now you not there...
I scream and call out to you
But for miles i see no sign of you...

Am lost in the middle of no where...
I feel bruised...beaten...shattered...

And sometimes i wish i could dislike you...hate you...or just forget you...
But it hasn't worked...

You still make me go weak in my knees...
You still make me grow fonder of you...

I realize that no matter how much i try...
I'll never be able to love you any less...

So as i kneel in prayer
I ask the Lord to give me the strength to pull through this phase...
And be able to love you selflessly...

No...its not my weakness...
Its by choice...
I love you and will...by choice..."

"Summation"

2005-05-25T16:06:00.000+05:30

Love, Trust, Understanding, Care...
Torn, Broken, Cheated, Bare

Laughter, Joy, Happiness, Mirth...
Tears, Fear, Numbness, Dearth

Loved, Pampered, Revered, Blessed...
Bruised, Derided, Sore, Distressed

Emotions, Feelings, Desires, a Wish...
Cold, Numb, Empty, Vanquished

Life, Time, Moments, Senescence...
Learning, Events, Memories, Essence.

2005-05-25T15:45:00.000+05:30

Lines from a song by Don Williams...Damn beautiful...Very involved...Very...very much 'in love'

"You placed gold on my finger
You brought love like I’ve never known
You gave life to our children
And to me a reason to go on

You’re my bread when I get hungry
You’re my shelter from troubled winds
Your my anchor in life’s ocean
But most of all you’re my best friend

When I need hope and inspiration
You’re always strong when I’m tired and weak
I could search this whole world over
You’d still be everything that I need"

"I am only Human..."

2005-05-24T12:58:00.000+05:30

I look at him
Asking him to love me
Not knowing what else to ask for...

Love me like a woman should be loved...
Like a human should be loved...

Am made up of flesh and bones like you...
Everyday i strive to be someone you would like...
I try and rise above the trivialities humanity comprises of...
I try to look beyond than just what meets my eyes
I reason out things...logically allign them...before deriving...

But am human
And i have my moments of weakness...
When i don't want to understand anymore...
I don't want to logically derive...
I want to see it, hear it feel it...
I want it in my face...right before me...

Like we treat kids...
Coz they don't really understand...
They don't understand that changing their diapers,
Getting up at odd hours of the night to make sure they are fine,
Giving them the right kind of food from time to time...
Are signs of our love...

They have to be held in our arms...really close...caressed...
Loved ...physically...
To let them know how much we love them...

Thats how i want it sometimes...
Direct, straight, in my face...

Its not like that always but why can't i just get it sometimes
When every inch of me is tired
Becoz of this continuouis strife ...
The strife to rise above the human tendencies in me...
The effort to be superhuman...

Am tired of it...
I want to come back home to someone...
I want to find peace in someones arms...
I want to rest my head on someone's shoulder and cry...
And feel loved...feel like i am loved for what i am...
Along with all that is humane in me...

Don't we all want it at some point in life...
Don't we all, at some point, want the other to say exactly what we want to hear...
Exactly that which will brighten out day...

Is it unjustified??

Am not asking from a stranger...
Am asking you...the one who means the most to me...
The one i love the most
The one around whom my world revolves...

Did i ask for too much???...

****

2005-05-10T13:50:00.000+05:30

I hear the birds chirping outside my window...
I see the summer sun filling the earth with its warmth
I see the starry sky...
Its silver beams washing the earth...
I hear the mighty thunder
I see people around me...
Warm faces...
I hear peals of laughter down the corridor...

I find myself walking away...
Something within me wants to run back...be a part of it...
But..i don't know what stops me...what is it that holds me back...
I want to run into the arms of life...
It beckons me...
But i stop...halt...
Take one step forward...and then freeze...

What I call Life...

2005-05-05T17:38:00.000+05:30

Perfection is an ideal
And every day in my life
An attempt to get closer to it.

An ideal is what we aspire to reach
But never really achieve it fully...
It's what's highest in our minds about it.
It's something we work towrds...
It doesn't exist in its truest form
On our side of the world
But it makes us work at our little imperfections...
To bring it closer to perfection...
A little better...
A little more beautiful..
Although the journey from here to there is endless...
There is no destination...actually...
The fun lies on the way to the goal...

There something i strive for...
There is something i keep wanting...
There is something in me
Which is never fully satisfied...

And who wants to be satiated...??
Satisfaction is boring...drab...monotonous...
It has in it a sense of stagnation...stillness...

The zest to achieve more than what one already has...
The desire to look beyond what one can already see...
This hope...
This continuous effort
To make each day better than yesterday...
Is what reaps excitement...adventure...
It somewhere fulfills a dream in me...in all of us...

And i call this Life...

One Moment of Eternity...

2005-05-04T17:40:00.000+05:30

There is this sense of emptiness i feel within me
As i lie looking at the ceiling above...
Its a longing...a terrible yearning...
For the physical closeness of him...

Very close to me...
Like almost diffusing into me...
Bit by bit....
Every inch of me is craving...burning...

Yes it is the flame of passion i burn in...
What is passion?
Is it just of the body??

But then why do i feel the pain right here
In my chest where that little mass beats...
Why do i feel like i am bleeding within...?
Why? tell me why?

Passion is what i burn in
And i now know its not just the physical closeness i miss-
The scent of his hair...
The musk of his body...
The feeling of his manly arms around me...
The soft kisses his lips showered on mine....

I miss his loving eyes
Which said so much without saying a word...
I miss the feeling of belongingness...
The warmth that i felt within me when he
Ran his fingers through my hair...
I miss his laughter (it still rings in my ears)
Which made me feel so close to perfection...
Like there is nothing more i could ask for...

I miss the person in him...
The one who ordained my existence and christened it "life"...

The physical longing only adds to my mental craving...
It only makes it worse...
Day by day it grows...within me...

But then i see his face in the frame before me
And for a second the world seems perfect...
Just for this moment...
Just for this moment ...where i find my eternity...

"What meets the eye..."

2005-03-29T13:24:00.000+05:30

"People come and pat my back...
You are brave...very strong...
That don't say die attitude....
And I stare at them...
It strikes me that its a compliment...
And that am supposed to smile...
I stretch the muscles on my face to create that curve on my face which they call a smile...
Reflection of something nice within you..
A sign of happiness...something pleasant...

But I am so not happy...
Am tired...
Tired of fighting this hard...
With this world around me...
With the system am a part of...
With myself...
With some tears that am trying so hard to hold back...
But they keep peeping once in a while...

I want to lie down and rest...
I want to sit back and watch the world go by for sometime...
Am tired...
My being aches...
A weird kind of pain engulfs my being...
It numbs all my senses...
In the dark I lie...
Senseless...and oblivious to everything else around me...
Except for the numbness and that touch of pain it has brought along with it
And slowly...very quietly...I feel the dampness on my cheek...
That same old familiar feeling..."

"Stranger..."

2005-03-28T13:09:00.000+05:30

I see people around me...
Different faces, different races...
I hear voices...
Peals of laughter...
I see colours...
See shades of all hues...

And then I see myself...
From a distance...
A stranger I see...
Lost in the crowd...
Staring at faces blankly...

A sense of dryness...
A bland atmosphere...
Eyes set in deep sockets...
Steely...painfully numb...
And something about that face....
Something that's missing...
I try and think...think very hard
To find out what is that ...
That which is missing...
That which makes me a stranger in my own eyes...

"Only Yours..."

2005-03-22T01:01:00.001+05:30

"Name one who leads his own life...ever.
No one does...
One day am a daughter
Tom'ow, a sister
Then a friend,
A companion,
A wife,
A mother,
A...

Millions of roles to play and just one life??!!

But there are these roads of life...somewhere cutting through the depths of the silent woods...
On which we tread alone...
A certain kind of pain that cannot be shared...
A sad story that cannot be told...
A burden that you cannot shed...
A tear drop which on your cheeks dies its unnatural death...

Some broken wing that does not mend
Some wounds that do not heal...
Some memories that always remain...
Some moments of pain that do not end...

A sting that keeps hurting...stealthily...slowly...

Life is such...

Sometimes you are fated to carry your own cross...
And walk the path of pain all by yourself...
No one does it on your behalf...
Because no one can.
Its yours...only yours.
This bundle of tears, turmoils, gaping wounds, excruciating pain, sleepless nights, a broken heart, a tear drop...
All yours...only yours.

So go on...
Cling to it...
Clasp it...
Hold it close...
Look at it...
Recognize it...
Accept it...
And walk with it...
Its yours ...all yours...only yours."

Unspoken...

2005-03-01T14:10:00.000+05:30

"...And I looked at him
As he sat with his back to me.
Hoping he would take back his words..
But...

I got up and left...
And as I shut the door behind me...
I still carried that little bundle of hope
That he would come...stop me
And this feeling continued
As I walked down the stairs...
As I walked towards the place
I always went to
To be by myself,
As I walked under the starry sky.

I looked at civilization from a distance, from amidst my solitude...
Searching for that one familiar face I wanted to see
As I sat there, tears rolling down my cheeks...
Feeling broken and in pain,...
That little bundle of hope prevailed.

...I told myself...
Love is not about who take the first step towards reconciliation.
Its not about who does it...
Ego...self respect...are not dictates of love...
Coz it makes you rise above all these trivialities humanity is made up of...
All the earthliness in you...
Because its closest to God...
It is little to do with our physical beings...this mortal flesh...
More to do with the spirit thriving in us...in me...

And I found my legs carrying me to the same room I had left sometime back.
As I climbed the stairs...
All I wanted to do was to run to the warmth of his arms around me...
To hold him...
And everything would be fine...

I knocked...
He stood before me...
And I searched his eyes for what I wanted to see...
The sign that he wanted to hold me as much as I did...
But I failed...

As I sat close to his motionless being lying with his back to me...
Insensitive and cold...
A lump grew in my throat...I felt choked...
No reaction I could see...no response...
And I felt rejected...beaten...defeated...and...
And very small...

I turned off the lights and shut the door behind me...
Foolishly carrying that same bundle of hope...
Hope that I would suddenly feel his hand clasping mine...
To stop me...hold me...love me...

As I walked back to my shack,
This bundle of hope refused to leave my side...
Foolish that I was...

I cried to my pillow
My heart feeling strangled...
In excruciating pain...
But that bundle of foolish blind hope prevailed...
Foolish! Foolish!! "

....

2005-02-22T15:10:00.000+05:30

"I sometimes sit back and wonder...
How strange life is...has been...
We meet strangers...
And sometimes it hardly takes time to know them...
To become fond of them...
To become best friends...
To start liking eachother's company.
And then one fine day cupid strikes...
And you ask yourself ...
Whether he is just a very good friend...or...
Or...am i falling in love...
No...can't be love...can it??
But then not a day goes by
When you don't meet.
And if the day has been a busy one...
You start feeling odd that you haven't been able to catch up...
I mean 'odd' is the word you would use... you probably don't want to confess
That every inch of you wanted to run to him..to see him...to hear him...
That every footstep in the corridor makes your heart leap...
How you hope and wish its that one familiar face...which you want to see.
Somewhere deep within the knowledge prevails...
The knowledge that this nothing but love...
What else could it be??...
The knowledge that this is the man you know you would be the happiest with...
The one you want to spend the rest of your life with...
You cannot live in denial for too long..
Reality is far stronger...and it strikes one day...
You find yourself saying it aloud...
Nothing under the big blue sky scares you...stops you...
Not even the fear of rejection...
And when you love is responded in the similar way...
You find peace...
The world seems newer today...
The sun...a little brighter...
Feels like the first time together..
The first touch...
The first feel of warmth...
The first kiss...
And now you know...you tell yourself...
If this isn't love...nothing is...nothing could be..."

I am...what I am...

2005-02-22T14:48:00.000+05:30

"I am what you see of me.
Nothing more, nothing less...
I am what I am...
It has taken ages, countless summers, hundreds of faces,
Number of changing seasons, the agony and ecstasy of changing relationships
To make me what today I am.
Accept me, hold me, love me...
for all that I am and can be
For all that I am not and cannot be...
With all my finished and unfinished parts...
For all that is and for all that cannot be...
Love me like this...for who I am
Coz through coercion you will
Only make my poor human body work according to your whims...
Just this poor carcass...
For my soul you cannot touch...
My core you cannot alter...
Coz i will be and I am
What I am
Only what I am..."

A life not lived...A death not died...

2005-02-21T23:14:00.000+05:30

"...And then i died
With a burden on my poor soul
Of things left undone...
Of unspoken love...
With the regret and grief
Of never getting a second chance.
With the harsh reality biting into my being...
Of no identity
No existence
No form...
Just a termbling apparition...
Thrown into turmoil...eternal turmoil...
Is all that i am now.
Living like...a...(hmm...not 'living'...am dead...what do I say...??...)
...A soul with a burden to carry...
Till??(i scream)...till eternity...(i hear them say in the silence...of the dark)..."